February 2022 - WRITINGS

reposted from Baja Report blog 1/9/2013

So you are hanging out in your house in El Norte, the heat is turned down to 60 as you are really getting tired of the $500 utility bill at your suburban home in the beautiful Rancho Rolling Hills of Tuscany. From under your REI, gortex sandwich, Shetland Wool blanket, where you and your beloved are reading the latest Vampire Trilogy with your trusty Maglite flashlight, you poke your head out and look up at your constellation glow-in-the-dark ceiling. You wonder if there any annoying Vermin in Baja. You hope not, as you are longing for a golfing, surfing, romantic, drunken, WARM vacation in Area Sur. And you are afraid of bugs, snakes, mice, rats, lizards, scorpions, and such. This has been a long-term problem for you ever since your mom let you watch Deadly Mantis, Black Scorpion, and the Fly in one night on Turner Classics “Bugfest”. You couldn’t go to school for 2 days after that one. Had to detox with 4 teddy bears cuddling in bed. Bug flu.

But you forget about your fears and book the trip. iPad, flashlight, done. You turn the heat down to just above freezing; put the dog in a kennel, and GOOMBYE EL NORTE. Don’t email me I’ll email you.

You and your beloved land in Cabo. You love Cabo, the food, the golf, parachute rides behind a ski boat in the blue bay, the giant Sombreros with attachable beer bongs in this perfect holster thingee. You spend a few days of revelry in the sun and sin capital of Baja. You have conquered the waiters at the Giggling Marlin by throwing up on their shoes. 10 straight shots of mescal, BAH, child’s play. You have played the perfect round of golf. 18 holes of triple Bogie. You did the parachute ride, no biggee. But enough fun is enough fun(read you really need some sleep). Plus the Greens Fees are getting to you. SO it is time for a road trip to Pescadero, 45 miles north of Cabo. A little time in the country. Continue reading “Cockroach Samarai” →

LA OFFICINA DER RONDA LICENSE PLATOS

We were sitting on the steps of the small gasthaus, chatting with the owner Leonie. Sal and I had just told Leonie our story of the night before.

“Bitte, verstehen. (Please understand). Ve like the soldaten.” Leonie insisted on speaking English with us. She wouldn’t let me speak German. Leonie wanted to practice speaking and listening.

“You like the American military? They seem a little rough and rude to us. And violent.”

“Ja, bitte vertehe, in Europa we are sleeping mit ein bear. Ve never know the bear roll over on us. With tanks. We are happy mit dem US militar. They have many tanks und vill protect us from der Russischer Bär. Ve don wan Prague spring in Deutchland.”

“Ja Ich vestehe.” Time to move on. “Do you find English helpful in the gasthaus?”

Oh ja, I spreche English with the US militar soldaten und they buy more beer in the bar. Oh ja, I like English. Und Ich talk with, uh, drogenleutedat, that stay in das hotel.”

Sally squinted at Leonie, “Drug dealers?”

“Ve like them too. More than Amerikanishe Soldaten. Sometimes they leave in mitte das night in a grosse hurry. Und forget their money. Sometimes a lot of money. They don’t come back so we get das gelt. Das drogengelt helps mit das overhead.”

Amerikanishe Soldaten, the bear, drug dealers and overhead. Our heads were spinning. So Sal changed the subject.

“Leonie, can we ask you for some help with something?”

“Ja, bitte.”

“We need to buy a car. An inexpensive car. To drive to England to see my sister. Do you know of anyone that has a car for sale?”

“Ja, Ich do. Meine father, Herr Pilot Hugo. Er war in der Luftwaffe. Er has ein Taunus. In Amerikanish it a German Ford.”

Continue reading “Round Trip Chapter 5” →